In Order to be Irreplacable, One Must Always be Different

Is it so bad to want love? The kind that makes you feel like you can take on the world. It gives you hope for the future and strenghtens your soul. You never grow old in that type of love, only closer. I want my heart to be so irrevocably tied to someone else's that I could never dream of my life without them. The love that makes you want to be a better person, gives you patience, and teaches you understanding. I wonder if that love truly exists anymore. If you would have asked me that about a year ago I would have told you that yes, without a doubt, that type of love is out there, now, I'm not so sure.

Please, anyone feel free to prove me wrong. Now accepting applications for boyfriend of the year. But really. Is it bad that I want that type of love already? Not even six months after leaving my husband? Part of me says yes, the other, no.

The yes side of me says it's bad because HELLO? It hasn't been very long. And you need to figure yourself out first. And people would probably think you were crazy if you started dating again so soon.

But the no side of me says that it is okay to move on, regardless of how long ago you left him. You can't dwell on that mistake forever, so what's the difference of moving on now or in a few months? And what's so wrong with wanting to have someone there with me that I can figure myself out with? Someone to learn from? Someone who can help me define me, not because of who they are, but because of who I am when I'm with them. And who the hell cares what people think. Obviously, not you. I mean you did get married at 18.

So there it is. The confession of some heartbroken girl who doesn't know what to do with herself. I do know that I want to be happy again, to feel again. And the times that I remember being happiest? The times that I had someone to share my life with. Whether it had been my husband or boys I had dated before him, I was just happy to have somebody by my side, encouraging me and caring for me as I did for them. I remember being happiest when I had butterflies on a first date. And when I talked to a new boy on the phone for the first time. And the first time I held a new hand. But since when did we let boy's start defining our happiness? And why do I only feel like I'll be happy again if I find some guy to share my life, if only temporarily, with? I think it's because, at least then I will always have someone there next to me. It won't be somebody who knows all of my past mistakes and regrets. It will be someone I can share them with, who won't judge me based upon what they already knew. Someone that I can have an opportunity to make proud of me, unlike everyone else in my life that I've already let down. Somebody who is dealing with the person I've become, not the person I was. Someone who loves me inspite of my stupid mistakes and helps me see that everyone makes them and that I can only be a better person because of them. Someone who makes me want to be that better person.

That is love. So, if you find it, hold onto it. And fight like hell before letting it go. Realize that just because you argue it doesn't mean that you're not right for each other. And though you may not have the same opinions or views on everything, you do have the most important thing in common: You are crazy for each other. I believe that you are supposed to better the person that you're with, and vice versa. That type of love doesn't occur very often, and if you have it, just know that you're the couple that everyone else is jealous of. As I said, now accepting applications.. and so goes life.