Cowgirls Don't Cry

So I know I said that THIS is life, live it. But today is one of those days where I don't even want to crawl out of bed. Just laying here buried underneath the covers and the guilt of my own disappointment has been okay by me. Except now, I've come to realize that everything I once cared about I have lost. A good revelation for getting myself up and moving I suppose but a bad revelation when I feel lonely all the time.

I NEED A JOB, pronto. I'm losing my grip on reality and if I don't find one soon I will lose everything. My cell phone has already been turned off and I haven't been able to help my roommate pay our rent which is probably the thing that bothers me the most. She has been such a blessing to me lately and I just feel like I'm screwing her over, unintentionally obviously, but still I feel like a total POS. Not to mention, when's the last time you went without communication to the "outside" world? Seriously, no phone and no gas to go anywhere can take a toll on a girls social life..hence the loneliness.

I kinda feel like my world is spinning out of control and no matter how many times I try to jump back in feet first I end up face down reintroducing my self to rock bottom. That scenario gets pretty old but at least I'm not letting myself give up.

I'm tired of being a disappointment to those around me; my parents and friends. I feel like I've really let people down this year. I'm not sure I've even lived up to my own expectations. I sorta just wish I could drown myself in my sorrows, but I've tried the whole crying thing to get it off my chest and all I can manage is watery eyes. Pathetic. I figure one of these days I'll either just get over my grievances and move on or I'll finally be able to break down and let the tears fall. I'd be happy with either of those options just so long as I'm doing one or the other, at least I'll be doing SOMETHING. That will deserve a round of applause, or at least a pat on the back since I've been doing nothing for the better part of two months. Motivation, please kick me in the rear sometime soon and get me going. As for life, when I'm able to stand on my own two feet again, I will realize my goals and achieve my dreams. It's just a matter of being patient and figuring out how to push myself again. And in the meantime, if I'm able, this cowgirl will cry, then I'll get back up and try again. Try try again.