Oh The Weather Outside is Frightful

This is SOO NOT how I planned on spending my Christmas.

This is my favorite time of year. Some of my best memories as a child were from Christmas. Traditions and family. The reason for the season. All of it I absolutely love. And I've always wanted to have a white Christmas like this, an EPIC one. But..

I'm stuck at my apartment in Norman and my family lives in Edmond. Luckily my roomie couldn't make it to New Mexico for her family Christmas either so I'm not alone, but I really wish I was getting to spend this holiday with my family. (No offense Kat, I love you! haha) Wake up in the morning with my little brother and sister and watch their eyes light up when they open all of their presents. See how grateful and excited they are. Play in the snow. Drink hot chocolate. Watch Christmas movies. Read "T'was the Night Before Christmas". I wish I was getting to do all of that with them.

On the other hand, I'm very grateful that all of my family is safe tonight. Even if we're not all together, at least we're all okay. So, I guess this taught me how to be thankful. At least it's something. And I'm gonna have an amazing time playing out in the snow tomorrow. But let's hope this whole being snowed in thing doesn't last too long, otherwise I might lose my mind. Merry Christmas =)

Sometimes People Can Surprise You

Isn't it amazing how wrong you can be about a person? Or people? I have faith in people. More so than in myself. So, therefore, I always try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I look for the good in everybody. And more often than not, I get let down. It's my nature, I wish I could change it. I hate being made a fool of. Especially when it's because you gave someone a chance, even when everyone warns you not to, and I tend to give out too many of them.

Whatever happened to good old fashioned honesty? Why is everything all just lies and gossip now? Starting rumors and talking shit can really hurt someone. Especially when you have no idea what the person you're talking about is going through. Their world could be crashing in on them and they could just be looking for an escape. Someone who can bring new perspective and experience into their lives. So they took a chance on you being that person. And what do you know. You make everything worse. At what point do you know if someone truly cares about you? If they're just using you and making a joke out of you? It's been said that the good guys lie to get in your heart and the bad guys lie to get in your bed. Well where are the people that don't lie at all? And when will you come across that person that gives you hope that there are those good people out there?

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of their depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen, they are created by their strength and motivation to keep going, even when everything they've been through in life has given them a reason not to. Sometimes life, and people, kick you around. But sooner or later you realize you're not just a survivor, you're a warrior. And you're stronger than anything life throws your way.

So I'll just keep on smiling, because no one said this would be easy.

In Order to be Irreplacable, One Must Always be Different

Is it so bad to want love? The kind that makes you feel like you can take on the world. It gives you hope for the future and strenghtens your soul. You never grow old in that type of love, only closer. I want my heart to be so irrevocably tied to someone else's that I could never dream of my life without them. The love that makes you want to be a better person, gives you patience, and teaches you understanding. I wonder if that love truly exists anymore. If you would have asked me that about a year ago I would have told you that yes, without a doubt, that type of love is out there, now, I'm not so sure.

Please, anyone feel free to prove me wrong. Now accepting applications for boyfriend of the year. But really. Is it bad that I want that type of love already? Not even six months after leaving my husband? Part of me says yes, the other, no.

The yes side of me says it's bad because HELLO? It hasn't been very long. And you need to figure yourself out first. And people would probably think you were crazy if you started dating again so soon.

But the no side of me says that it is okay to move on, regardless of how long ago you left him. You can't dwell on that mistake forever, so what's the difference of moving on now or in a few months? And what's so wrong with wanting to have someone there with me that I can figure myself out with? Someone to learn from? Someone who can help me define me, not because of who they are, but because of who I am when I'm with them. And who the hell cares what people think. Obviously, not you. I mean you did get married at 18.

So there it is. The confession of some heartbroken girl who doesn't know what to do with herself. I do know that I want to be happy again, to feel again. And the times that I remember being happiest? The times that I had someone to share my life with. Whether it had been my husband or boys I had dated before him, I was just happy to have somebody by my side, encouraging me and caring for me as I did for them. I remember being happiest when I had butterflies on a first date. And when I talked to a new boy on the phone for the first time. And the first time I held a new hand. But since when did we let boy's start defining our happiness? And why do I only feel like I'll be happy again if I find some guy to share my life, if only temporarily, with? I think it's because, at least then I will always have someone there next to me. It won't be somebody who knows all of my past mistakes and regrets. It will be someone I can share them with, who won't judge me based upon what they already knew. Someone that I can have an opportunity to make proud of me, unlike everyone else in my life that I've already let down. Somebody who is dealing with the person I've become, not the person I was. Someone who loves me inspite of my stupid mistakes and helps me see that everyone makes them and that I can only be a better person because of them. Someone who makes me want to be that better person.

That is love. So, if you find it, hold onto it. And fight like hell before letting it go. Realize that just because you argue it doesn't mean that you're not right for each other. And though you may not have the same opinions or views on everything, you do have the most important thing in common: You are crazy for each other. I believe that you are supposed to better the person that you're with, and vice versa. That type of love doesn't occur very often, and if you have it, just know that you're the couple that everyone else is jealous of. As I said, now accepting applications.. and so goes life.

Cowgirls Don't Cry

So I know I said that THIS is life, live it. But today is one of those days where I don't even want to crawl out of bed. Just laying here buried underneath the covers and the guilt of my own disappointment has been okay by me. Except now, I've come to realize that everything I once cared about I have lost. A good revelation for getting myself up and moving I suppose but a bad revelation when I feel lonely all the time.

I NEED A JOB, pronto. I'm losing my grip on reality and if I don't find one soon I will lose everything. My cell phone has already been turned off and I haven't been able to help my roommate pay our rent which is probably the thing that bothers me the most. She has been such a blessing to me lately and I just feel like I'm screwing her over, unintentionally obviously, but still I feel like a total POS. Not to mention, when's the last time you went without communication to the "outside" world? Seriously, no phone and no gas to go anywhere can take a toll on a girls social life..hence the loneliness.

I kinda feel like my world is spinning out of control and no matter how many times I try to jump back in feet first I end up face down reintroducing my self to rock bottom. That scenario gets pretty old but at least I'm not letting myself give up.

I'm tired of being a disappointment to those around me; my parents and friends. I feel like I've really let people down this year. I'm not sure I've even lived up to my own expectations. I sorta just wish I could drown myself in my sorrows, but I've tried the whole crying thing to get it off my chest and all I can manage is watery eyes. Pathetic. I figure one of these days I'll either just get over my grievances and move on or I'll finally be able to break down and let the tears fall. I'd be happy with either of those options just so long as I'm doing one or the other, at least I'll be doing SOMETHING. That will deserve a round of applause, or at least a pat on the back since I've been doing nothing for the better part of two months. Motivation, please kick me in the rear sometime soon and get me going. As for life, when I'm able to stand on my own two feet again, I will realize my goals and achieve my dreams. It's just a matter of being patient and figuring out how to push myself again. And in the meantime, if I'm able, this cowgirl will cry, then I'll get back up and try again. Try try again.

Change is Good

This year has had its share of ups and downs for me. Celebrated my one year wedding anniversary, quit my job, left my husband, and am now struggling to make do on my own. I wanted to learn to define my happiness on my own terms, not have somebody do it for me. Over the past few years I've lost myself. Forgotten who I am, where I came from, and what I stand for. I couldn't tell you what my dreams are or what I aspire to be. My only goal currently is to take each new day one at a time. Along the way I've let myself become lost in the numbness of my pain and grief, and given up hope. It was hard for me, walking away from him. For by doing so, it felt like a big part of me died. I was letting go of all of the hopes and plans I'd had for my future, our future, and that was scary. As heartwrenching as it was to watch my life slip away, it was also freeing. Knowing that what I decide to do with my life from that point on is my decision was one of the most gratifying feelings I've had in a long time.

At first I struggled with wondering whether or not I'd made the right decision on a daily basis. Then I realized that while I struggled with those feelings, I didn't miss him. Yes, I missed the fun we had and the dreams we shared. I missed the man I knew he could be. I missed always having someone there, someone to count on. But not once did I miss HIM or the life we lived together. And in that moment, I knew that no matter how bad I was hurting from choosing to walk away or how heartbroken I felt, that I had made the best decision and done the right thing by me.

Another year has come and gone, life has been lived and death has taken its toll. We've all faced our share of sorrows and heartaches. Had our moments of joy and our moments of weakness. But as the new year approaches I get to walk away knowing that my happiness isn't dependent on someone or something. I now know that I am much stronger than I would have ever thought possible, which partly comes from the fact that my strength, at times, has been all I've had. I've realized that I have my whole life ahead of me and that no matter what greivances I may be facing, God gave me this life because He knew that I was strong enough to live it.

So my question to you is this: Are you going to be strong enough to live yours? Don't run from your problems or place them upon someone else's shoulders for them to bear. Embrace them and know that no matter what the outcome, as long as you are strong, you will walk away a better person because of them. THIS is life, so live it.